Battle Scars by Paradise Fears

I don’t know what’s up with me.. The past couple of days I’ve just been kinda depressed. Like really, really depressed. I feel so bad and every little thing people say to me can make me cry. 

Two nights ago I couldn’t sleep. It was late when I went to bed already, don’t even know why but all I remember is that it was because I wasn’t feeling okay. I didn’t sleep all night and then only slept for like three hours in the morning. I felt so horrible that night that I just turned on Spotify. My mind has a funny way of picking songs when I feel like this. Battle Scars never meant a lot to me, I’ve been listening to Paradise Fears for like a week now, but that night I played this song and just cried so bad. I repeated this song so many times and it just made me feel a little better. Now this song means so much to me and it might even have saved my life.

I was really tired after being awake all night so I slept for three hours in the morning. After I woke up all I can remember is crying and not eating or drinking. Basically I had two cups of coffee and a little bit of water, a bowl of quark for breakfast and a little piece of meat for dinner, but my brother pissed me off so I ran back to my room, crying. All I did was cry. I remember my little brother coming to me asking what was ‘wrong’ I didn’t like that word so I just told him to fuck off. He usually never really cares about anything and when that realisation hit me I cried more. Now he’s really mad at me and I don’t really know what to do about me, he has autism so making things right with him is a little hard. Then I had a talk with my mom, which didn’t really help much and I cried even more. 

I felt so lost, scared, lonely, confused… I could go on for hours. I’ve never felt like this before but I saw no reason to stop crying. I had nothing to do and I honestly had nothing on my mind except for ‘nobody cares about me’ ‘I’m useless’ ‘I’m a horrible person’ basically my insecurity and negativity took over and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I even hurt myself. Not just mentally, physically too.

Later at night I wanted to sleep but I was scared of going because I felt like I had no reason to get up in the morning. I felt okay enough to leave my room and I made plans with my mom to go to some stores, so I went to bed and knew that I had a reason to wake up and actually get out of bed.

When I got back home I felt good enough to go to my little brother and ask if I could play on the new Wii U(which he got for his birthday), but he didn’t let me. He responded in a really bad way that made me cry. So like two hours ago I sat on the ground, hugging a pillow, crying in silence. It was like never before. My thoughts were so dark that I was actually scared. I don’t wanna repeat much, but basically I would wanna throw myself down the stairs to prove the fact that nobody cares about me. I would never actually do it, but I did hurt myself. And the scariest thing is, by hurting myself I actually stopped crying when there was nothing else to stop me.

I’m feeling a little better now. I started playing music again and got my laptop and decided to just write. Writing always helps. I just wish I’d did it sooner so todays tears wouldn’t have happend and I wouldn’t have hurt myself. 

This song just started playing and there’s no way to describe my feelings. All I can say is that this song continues to save my life and it just means a lot to me.

People these days

Sometimes I just can’t believe this world. Girls jumping on people’s cars, people sending hate to each other through social media, girls being send home from schools cause of their clothes, schools photoshopping yearbook photo’s cause they think there’s too much skin… The list of unacceptable things just keeps going and going.

It’s like people are just looking for drama. Is the world too boring without it!? This never happened before, but there have been days I just went off Twitter cause I couldn’t take it. There was so much drama everywhere. Fans from 5 Seconds Of Summer and One Direction fighting, drama cause people thing Ricky is leaving King The Kid(which we know nothing about. See? People are just looking for drama), people going crazy over the fact that someone jumped on a car(which is insane, I know) I mean come one, it happened. MOVE ON. But no, people just can’t seen to do that.

People can’t speak their mind without starting a fight or being judged. Is that really what it’s all about these days? I was on FaceTime with my best friend last week and suddenly we found ourselves talking about when we met and how things were back then. We met cause of the Jonas Brothers and there were never fights or judgements or being being rude. We were really just a family, loving our favorite band and also just loving each other. then Justin Bieber came along and started this fight between Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber fans. Just because of these to ‘JB’ letters. Okay, I was mad to but I never send hate or got mad at anyone. After that things just went downwards and these these all you’ll find on Twitter are fights and hate and just lots of negativity. 

I just don’t understand all these people anymore. Bands get along so well, why can’t the fans? Is it really that important how someone got their fame? Do people really have to spread negativity everywhere? Apparently it’s just really hard for people to love and support someone without hating on others. I don’t think they understand how painful hate can be. Not only to the person you’re sending it too but also to others. I hate it when my favorite bands get send hate and it makes me feel bad, how would you feel if I did the same to your favorite band? 

Treat people the way you want to be treated. This is so hard for people to understand but it’s so true. Would you want people to jump on your car? Would you wanna be talked about all the time just because of a decision you made? Would you wanna be attacked by someone because they couldn’t meet you and you have to leave? I’m pretty sure you answered ‘no’ to all these questions.

I just needed to speak my mind. Hope some of you will actually agree on this.